Good For You
by Icicle Raindream
Summary: (Songfic) The answer to a question is all Heero needs to come to terms with himself.


Songfic

"Good For You" lyrics by Stephan Jenkins and Kevin Cadogan 

music by Third Eye Blind

fanfiction by: Icicle Raindream

Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gundam Wing or its characters and therefore I am making no profit off this fic.

Notes: Special thanks goes out to Hayla, who happened to have her Third Eye Blind tape with her and patiently listened to me explain my idea over the blaring music. And also, if you've never listened to Third Eye Blind, you should give them a chance! They're awesome! (And Stephan Jenkins is a hottie and a half…and boy, is he tall! I got to hug him once (well, twice actually) and I found out how thin and tall he really is! Whew!) Besides, how could you not love a band that's friends with U2?? "^-^"

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I had watched her for months.

I watched when she walked inside her house, I watched when she walked out of her house, I watched one day as she almost slipped on the gravel path in her dress shoes, only to lean over her legs and gasp in shock. I watched as the disgust took over her face and as her hand tugged at her ripped stockings, and I watched her silhouette in her bedroom window as the garment was stripped and tossed aside. I watched as she climbed into her car, I watched as it drove down the road, and I watched as I walked away from myself, one half of me constantly following the car wherever it took her. I watched as half of my being split from myself and spat in my face and kicked gravel at my form. It was a shame the stronger half of me didn't tolerate the weaker half. I needed to be whole.

__

Hey, will you stay while

my smile will not mislead you

'cause I've been alone, my faith turned to stone

still there's something in you, that I believe in

I kept a constant eye on her, with or without meaning to. I watched as she held small, organized get-togethers at her house full of friends, I watched as she dragged home the thirty new shopping bags, I watched as Pagan met her at the doorway. I watched her smile light up her face as she handed the packages over to him sheepishly. I watched her grow happier and happier every day. The days without having a trace of _me_ in them. I was just the tarnish of the day; if I showed up it would ruin everything for her, and she didn't deserve that. I didn't want her days to be colored with the yellow jade that I had become accustomed to living in.

And then, one day, I watched as the dusk settled over her front porch, I watched as the lights clicked off in her house, and I watched as the moon blanketed the whole area with its eerie golden light. I watched as her front door creaked open quietly and I watched as she delicately stepped out into the night, her robe tied tightly around her. I watched as she leaned against the railing on her porch, I watched one slender arm come up to catch her chin as she slouched, and I watched her let out a sigh. A sad one.

Then I watched as she cried. An open-hearted cry, a cry that sliced something inside of her and allowed the rivers to flow. A sobbing session that let out all the stress and terror that was or had been laced into her life, a sob that said she was missing something she had wanted dearly for an immeasurable amount of time.

__

close to the pierce, I go wild and fierce

still I let you be, I feel you next to me

'cause outside I feel a wind that starts to blow

I'm taken in your undertow

everything is fine, I'm lonely all the time

Then I watched as she lifted her hands to her face and smeared all the tears away, wiped all the horror from her life. I watched as she closed her eyes and took a breath, I watched as she turned on her heel and reached for the door, I watched as the knob turned. I watched that half of me as it stalked away and slipped up the steps behind her. I watched as it turned and sneered in my face.

And suddenly I found myself walking. My legs were moving of their own will; they seemed as if they wanted to catch up to my half and slap the nasty grin from its face, grab hold of it and twist it into oblivion, make it join me again. It didn't have any right to be leaving me when I needed it the most.

I watched her turn. The sound that came from her mouth…utter surprise. I watched as her dark eyes suddenly lightened in color, I watched as they teared again, I watched her shaking hands clasp in front of her as she faced me. I heard my own two feet plant themselves firmly onto the wood of her front porch. They were determined to make me stay.

Her voice was trembling. "Heero…"

I swallowed and stared into her eyes. "I have a question," I stated to her.

She waited patiently, in total silence.

"Relena…is it good for you?"

__

all I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through

is it good for you

is it good for you

you haunt my nights when I don't know where my life should go

is it good for you

is it good for you

Relena bit her lip, her eyes clenching closed as her face fell from mine. I watched as her hands clawed madly at the fuzzy belt on her robe. I watched as her honey-brown hair fell over her shoulders in soft ripples of curls. I watched as her hand reached out for my face. Then my own eyes slid closed, and I could feel her skin against mine.

Her fingertips ran over my forehead, my hair passing through her fingers. She was feeling as if she wanted to make sure I was really standing there in front of her, that I wasn't just an illusion brought on by yearning. I bit my own lip as her palm smoothed gently over my cheek, her thumb brushing against my lips.

"No, Heero…it's not good for me."

Her sentence threw my half momentarily back into me again; I took a sharp breath and opened my eyes, her hand still connected to my face. Her tears rolled over her own cheeks, and I lifted my left arm to clench onto her already outstretched one.

__

Hey child, please stay awhile

my smile will not mislead you

and roll me out, I go wild with doubt

I grab at you…I can't stop grabbing at you

My mind clouded over with a hazy jumble of something I could briefly identify as either emotion or confusion, and I found myself pulling her arm towards me, yanking heartily with my fingers gouged into the arm of her robe, wanting to…wanting to…wanting to do something that I didn't understand. I didn't know what I was doing. I only knew that I wanted it this way. I wanted her closer to me, I wanted her arms around me, I wanted to reach up and slowly slide my hands into her hair. I wanted to feel the curls as they sprung around my fingers, I wanted to hear her breathing as it became rapid, I wanted to feel the golden glow from the moon illuminate us on her front porch.

I brought her head closer to mine, pulled it to me and took a deep breath in. She smelled like a spring breeze, like peaches and sunshine, like all the things that were inaccessible to me, that had been unreachable in my life. She was the other side of the moon, the side that my half had been taunting me to cross over into and embrace what I found there.

__

'cause I feel you cross my mind in disarray

intoxicated ricochet

there's nothing wrong, just don't take too long

"Relena…"

"Heero…" Her breath teased my earlobe and sent shivers down my spine.

"It's okay, Relena," I assured monotonously. "It's really okay." 

I think that was comfort more for myself than for her, but she asked anyway, "What's okay, Heero?"

"It's not any good for me, either."

She sighed through her nose, sending another wave of prickles through me.

"Heero, I have to go inside now."

I could feel her tugging away from me. I felt as her hair streamed through my hands, I felt as her warmth left me cold, I felt as the robe dragged underneath my hand, I felt as my half pulled further from me. But I also felt the way my hand squeezed around her wrist and didn't let go. Even after she began to struggle, trying to free her hand from my iron-tight grip. I felt as she pulled and twisted underneath my grasp.

"Please, Heero…" I could hear the tears in her voice as she pleaded. "Please, Heero…I've got to go inside now…"

I still held onto her, my eyes fixated on the spot where cloth met hand. I watched as her fingers clawed the air, trying still to release her wrist from me.

"Heero, my arm…" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Heero…you're hurting my arm…please…you have to let me go."

__

all I want to do is be there for the things that you're going through

is it good for you

is it good for you

"Don't make me, Relena," I half-asked, half-ordered.

"What?" Her whole body was trembling now.

I closed my eyes for a second. "Please don't make me let you go."

__

you haunt my nights when I don't know where my life should go

is it good for you

is it good for you…?

She stopped struggling and stood still, her arm still being held by my hand, by my damned stubborn hand with a mind of its own.

"I won't make you do anything," she sighed, the shaking subsiding. It seemed as if she understood everything now. "But if it's all right with you, I think we should retire for the evening."

Silence.

"Is that good for you?"

I managed to drop her hand and look back at her face. I nodded.

"That's good for me, Relena, but--"

"It's good for me, Heero," she replied, turning back to her door. I watched as her hand twisted the knob, I watched as the door opened, I watched as she took a step inside her house. I watched as she turned around again and reached her hand out. I watched as my hand took her own and I watched as she pulled me inside.

I felt her arms guide me through her dark house, up the carpeted stairs, and into a bedroom. I stopped in the doorway and turned around to face the hall again as she padded her way to the bed.

And then I watched as my hand came up and slammed the door in its face. My half, my taunting, vicious half, was stuck outside the bedroom door, no longer able to hold me back from what I needed. 

With Relena, I could be whole again.

If it was good for her, it was good for me.


End file.
